So I already made a blog post considering my opinion about Equestria Girls. But recently, I've been wondering to myself: how different would the movie have been if I had directed it? What would I have changed about it? Here is what I would've changed.
1. The designs.There are actually three aspects about this that ticked me off. First of all, humans aren't made out of rainbows. You don't see someone walking down the street with blue skin, unless they're in the Blue Man Group or something. I would've made Twilight be Asian and Pinkie Pie be African American, and the rest would've been white. Secondly, the outfits look absolutely horrid. Nobody wears leg warmers anymore! What is this, the '80s? And what's with all the skirts? I can't imagine Applejack or Rainbow Dash wearing skirts, because they're clearly supposed to be the tomboys of the group. Applejack would be more likely to wear blue jeans, and Rainbow Dash would realistically wear shorts or something more athletic. Thirdly, all the characters have the same body shape. And I mean, EXACTLY the same. If I had directed this, Pinkie Pie would've been more chubby, Applejack would've had muscles, and Rainbow Dash would've been the shortest.
2. The high school factor.First of all, not only is it overused as fuck, it screws with the ages. Twilight Sparkle is a royal attaché from the capital, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both live by themselves, Pinkie Pie works in a local cake shop, Applejack manages her family farm, and Rarity owns her own boutique. None of them are in high school--infact, by their ages you'd think that they were more likely all adults. Plus, if the main six were students in a high school, then technically Cherilee would, too, since she appears to be the same age as the rest of the main six. And furthermore, putting the CMCs, Snips, Snails, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon in high school wouldn't work either, because they were in grade school in the actual show canon. If I had directed it, it would've been with them as young adults--in their twenties, maybe.
3. The names.Okay, I can understand the characters retaining their pony names if it was an alternate version of Equestria, but when Hasbro tries to pass it off as the real human world, that's where I call bull. Hey, Hasbro! Human names don't work like that! Anyway, I would've given them normal human names--Ashley Jackson for Applejack, Penny Pyston for Pinkie Pie, Robin Dashwood for Rainbow Dash, Flora Shepard for Fluttershy, Rachel Tegan for Rarity. Hell, I would've even done Tara Strong for Twilight Sparkle! Think how funny that would've been!
4. The songs.Now, I've never been much of a fan of MLP music, but the songs in the film's soundtrack take the cake for suckiness. Seriously, after the "This Day Aria" which was probably one of the best songs in all of MLP, these songs fall weak. Hell, even the crappy MLP songs like "Raise This Barn" and "I Wasn't Prepared For This" are better than the pop trash in Equestria Girls. Also, there were way too many of them, and they aren't evenly spaced apart--the first song is at 12:36 in the film, but the next one isn't until 42:24, and then there are three more songs crammed in at the end. Furthermore, the remake of the theme song was completely crap. If I had directed it, I would've gotten some modern music geniuses to write the music, like Daft Punk or Muse. I would've also made them more evenly spaced apart.
5. The decision to make Spike a dog.So when Spike arrives in the "human world" (I put the quotes there because it's pretty clear that it isn't the actual human world) he turns into a dog. Wow, seriously? In the show, Spike has been Twilight's friend, an equal, an intelligent being, and he even says that despite him being a dragon, he's one of the ponies at heart. And yet Hasbro seriously undermines his character and decides to make him a dog. Also, this brings up another question: if a dog from Equestria Prime arrives in the "human world" would it turn into a dragon? Sadly we'll never find out because the whole movie was so rushed. If I had directed it, I would've made Spike into Twilight's younger brother or something.
6. The villain.Of all the villains in MLP, I have to say that Sunset Shimmer is the worst of them all. Let's see the villains Hasbro has made in the past: Nightmare Moon, a jealous alicorn who wanted to spread darkness all over the land; Discord, an omnipotent demigod who could change whatever he wanted in the name of spreading chaos; the Changelings, an army of hideous shapeshifters capable of taking over all of Equestria; and King Sombra, a tyrant who could control shadows and stop ponies from using magic. Then this movie brings Sunset Shimmer, a greedy teenager who wants to be popular and also happens to go super-Saiyan at the end. Yeah, if you compare her with all the villains from previous episodes, it just makes her seem weak, and also seem like a huge cunt. If I had directed the film, I would make her at least as epic a villain as Agent Smith from The Matrix, and also give her a better backstory and a better reason for being evil.
7. The love interest.I don't need to stress how unnecessary this was. The movie could have done without Flash Sentry, aka Brad. Infact, it would've been a hell of a lot better without him. Before this movie, the only pony to ever fall in love was Rarity. I would've been slightly more satisfied with it if he had been with Rarity in the movie, but pairing him up with Twilight wasn't the only problem. Aside from this, he's also a "cool guy" at the school, and he's also a guitarist. I'm gonna quote my friend Dan aka
) here and say that this guy gives guitarists a bad name. If I had directed the film, I would have at least changed his character so he wasn't as cliché. However, if I had directed the film, I probably would've just not put his character in in the first place. As I said before, really unnecessary.
8. The return of Snips and Snails as villain henchmen.Okay, so Sunset Shimmer is still being a huge cunt, and who decides to help her? You guessed it: Snips and Snails. First of all, that's predictable as fuck. Secondly, didn't they learn their lesson after the Trixie incident? Thirdly, they're huge douchebags who are completely unnecessary to both the show and movie, but then again we already know that. If I'd directed the movie I would've... um... Actually, if I'd directed the movie, this wouldn't even be a problem because the villain would be so badass that he wouldn't even have to rely on those two jerkoffs.
9. The plotholes.I swear, there are more unresolved conflicts in this movie than Empire of the Ants. I'd list all of them but I'm too tired and my mind isn't thinking straight. If I had directed the movie, I would make sure there was as many plotholes and unresolved conflicts as in the first Matrix movie (That is, none at all.)
10. The length.Now I know many of you say, "Children have really short attention spans, and if something is too long they'll get bored". What I say is, that's complete and absolute bullshit. I'll tell you something about kids: They're smarter than you think. The only reason they have such short attention spans is because we mindlessly feed them absolute garbage like this and they grow to like it. Thus, if I had directed Equestria Girls, I would've made it at least an hour and thirty minutes long (not counting the credits.)
And that's all I can think of off the top of my head. Feel free to comment with your thoughts.
-Kirb Hysteria
